Animated Atrocities 152/Transcript
Mr. Enter: 'Welcome to... part two in ''I'm Watching the Candidates for my Worst Cartoons of the 2010s List, and on this episode, what the fuck did I just watch? I mean, I know what it is. It's the first animated series by Nickelodeon regular, Dan Schneider, based on a live-action series that has the same concept and a frustratingly similar name. I wish I could say that I was afraid that I'd someday have to review something from the Bakery, but that would imply that I ever expected a Schneider's Bakery show to be animated. So, I guess I should articulate some of my opinions on Schneider's Bakery as a whole. I have one of the most controversial opinions imaginable: (Cut to ''iCarly) After the first half of ''iCarly, shows from Schneider's Bakery have been crap, basically rehashing the same basic plots over and over again and the same basic jokes, sometimes even verbatim. I know, I'm the first person who has ever said this. (Cut to a news report featuring Dan Schneider with cast members from his shows) Of course, Dan Schneider has become quite the interesting person to talk about over the years, but I'd really rather not talk about the rumors or anything of the sort. '''Big Dingus: All right, listen. You know how I'm giving y'all eighty thousand dollars to be here and get balls chucked at you? Mr. Enter: '''There's gonna be no way around this in the end, is there? Look, even not knowing any of the rumors about the guy behind the show, and for the moment at least, they're just rumors, there is something fundamentally gross about this show. '''Captain Man: It's the Sushi Sitter! Kid Danger: The Sushi... Captain Man: Say it carefully. Kid Danger: The Sushi... Sitter? Captain Man: Yes, yes, yes! It's the number one toilet in the world! Mr. Enter: '''As far as I can tell, a running joke on this show is that Captain Man keeps trying to earn money to buy a Japanese toilet. You know, because they squirt water up your ass! '''Kid Danger: Oh, you just want money so you can buy one of those stupid Japanese toilets! Captain Man: They are not stupid! They... they do things for you. Kid Danger: Gross! (Caption: These are two separate episodes, by the way) Mr. Enter: ''(sighs)'' This is why I don't like to review shows where the creator has some kind of... baggage behind them. But because I figured I'm going to have to talk about this show sooner or later anyway, we're all going to need to have to be adult about this and, you know, not read between the lines, or anything. (Cut to Captain Man and Kid Danger blowing raspberries at each other) Mr. Enter: 'There's plenty of shit to criticize ''on the lines about this show. Plainly put: it's abysmal! Let's start with what you probably already noticed: the animation. I may have used the Go!Animate comparison too much, considering that every time I've used it, the description would be way more apt, this show looks like cut-out animation. You know, like each limb looks like its own cel that they just moved around instead of drawing something new. The mouth flaps look like it was done by a computer that has a virus. While the lip-syncing at least matches, it looks like they're just going back and forth between the same two frames. As for the actual designs, it looks like it wants to invoke the feeling of a comic book, but this really doesn't have the budget for it at all. Kind of like they thought that making an animated spin-off of an existing show would be a cheap and easy way to make money. Comic books have dynamic posing; it shouldn't be this hard to find a still that would be visually interesting. I couldn't find one, and I looked. The backgrounds completely clash with the overall tone that they're going for. They look like they came out of Brickleberry. I don't really know where I want to begin with everything I want to talk about with this show. I guess the theme song is as good as any place. (Cut to the ''Kid Danger opening theme)'' '''Singer: Here we go, we're up the tube, fighting crime is what we do A superhero and a sidekick '''WITH A PLAN...' '''Mr. Enter: '''Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch! What the fuck?! It's like they're trying to cram twice the amount of words that you could fit into the melody. And speaking of that, i-it sounds derivative. Like, they just found something in Creative Comments and started putting words to it, not caring if they could fit. The singer sounds like they were bored and they did this in one take. And-and how about them lyrics? '''Singer': This is the song for ''The Adventures of Kid Danger! ''(Captain Man falls) Captain Man: I'm okay! Kid Danger: Feels good! Mr. Enter: 'You know, I've stated that I hated songs that just shout the show's name over and over again; however, it looks like I found something that peeves me off even more: when the theme song says that it is the theme song for the show. A theme song is supposed to get newcomers up to speed as to what the whole show is about. That is the point of a theme song. And every second and detail is precious. So saying, "this is the theme song for the show" is the most redundant, useless detail possible! And no, it's not funny! Yes, I know it's the fucking theme song! Stop wasting my time! Then again, this musical mush is so broken and bad that the audience may need a reminder that this is, in fact, a song. And if I put it on a list of the Top Twenty Worst Theme Songs, it would probably make it to number five. But, as much as I want to talk about the show in general, I suppose my usual formula is picking an episode. So, there's twenty of them, how am I gonna pick? I mean, they all look so interesting! We have episodes entitled "Mad Wax" to episodes entitled "Sticky Ficky". Ooh, the episode entitled "Fails", uh, looks pretty interesting, but uh, I'm just gonna roll a D20 and see what I get. ''(The sound of a die hitting the floor is heard over a black screen) Oh, goodie! "Critical Failure". Episode one it is. It'll at least give us a chance to get introduced to the characters and the concept of the show, as I'm sure episode one will give newcomers a chance to get acclimated. The first few seconds of a show are incredibly important, as it has to establish as much as possible without being too bloated. They need to let you know exactly what you're in for. (Kid Danger's watch beeps) '''Captain Man Hologram: Henry! Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up! (pulls out a megaphone) Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up... Kid Danger: I'm up, I'm up, I'm up, I'm up, I'm up! Mr. Enter: 'This opening is absolutely perfect: it lets you know that this is gonna be one of the most annoying pieces of shit that you've ever seen! But if I had to nitpick here, I would say that this is one of the worst opening scenes of any show that I've ever seen. We learn that our main character's name is Henry, he has a hologram bracelet for some reason, and an annoying man wants him to come into the Man Cave. I would say that that last one sounds incredibly, incredibly wrong, but... Oh, I forgot. They did mention one more very important detail that absolutely must've been mentioned so the audience understands the concept of the show. I should really give them credit for this. ''(Cut to Kid Danger sleeping) '''Kid Danger: (snoring) First episode... Mr. Enter: 'Yes, because telling you what you'd already know on any DVD release is much more important than establishing any characters or the overall premise of your show. This is probably why most spin-offs bomb. The people behind the show forget that they need to introduce these characters and the idea behind the show. Otherwise, they're vastly limiting their audience. Because they don't here, the show's audience is the people who like ''Henry Danger--you know, all three of them. Actually, yeah. That's good for an example. Imagine that there are three fans of Henry Danger. Of those three fans, let's say that one of them would really like it animated, one of them doesn't care, and one of them is repulsed by the idea of it being animated. So, here's what happens: the fan who wants it animated only watches the animated version and doesn't watch the original anymore, the one who doesn't care gives both a shot and the one who's repulsed by the idea of it being animated doesn't watch the animated one at all. So, the audience is by default limited and because the show doesn't want to introduce anything, it's going to have a hard time attracting new fans. So, even if Henry Danger is better suited to being animated, you know, why they would make a spin-off in the first place, this episode is so poor at introducing the concept and characters that it has essentially shot itself in the foot. It really is a terrible episode by first episode standards, but to be fair, it is a problem with a lot of bad spin-offs or reboots. (Cut to ''Planet Sheen) ''Planet Sheen expects you to know who Sheen is and like him, which means that the audience is destined to be smaller than the Jimmy Neutron audience. For reference, this episode tells us the main characters' names and their powers, and that their base is the Man Cave, and that they use gumballs to transform. And look, if you're going to make a comedic superhero cartoon, you're going to need to give me more than that. You need to introduce some interesting villains... (Caption: They don't.) ...a new spin on a tired, old cliche... (Caption: Not here.) ...and maybe a twist on the formula. (Caption: Not in your life.) Otherwise, you've got a million other shows on the market that you can turn to. '''Kid Danger: Uhh... Ooh, clothing! (picks up some clothes off the floor and smells them) Smells good! Mr. Enter: 'Not gonna comment. Henry comes down to find that the whole place is filled with popcorn and Captain Man is much more interested in two popcorn kernels that look identical instead of someone who has hijacked a school bus because "Hur-dee dur! Superheroes not doing their jobs? Isn't that funny? Isn't that a routine you haven't seen a ''million fucking times?" '''Charlotte: Wrong! The third law of Thermal Popcornial Dynamics clearly states, "It is impossible for any two pieces of popcorn to be exactly identical." Mr. Enter: 'Oh, so the only female character in the team is the straight-laced, annoying know-it-all. Where have I seen that before except ''in every show that I've ever seen?! So now, we waste time with a microparticle scanner to show that the popcorn kernels are not identical. '''Charlotte: See? They're only 99.4% identical. Mr. Enter: '''Well, yeah. He put a stick through each of them. Altering the specimens in such a way is going to damage the integrity of the... WHY THE FUCK AM I TALKING LIKE I GIVE A SHIT?! And so, the two adults go and have the biggest tantrum that the budget can afford. Captain Man says that he really, really wanted to find two identical pieces of popcorn. It might be funny if we could get, like a backstory, or something. Hell, it might even establish a character. You know, like a first episode is supposed to do. Uh, but no, he-he wants to find two identical pieces of popcorn because... this is character development. '''Kid Danger: Hey, I've got an idea. Why don't we go to the Swellview movie theater and check all the popcorn there? Mr. Enter: '''You know, to compare every single piece of popcorn by hand would take an astronomical amount of time, as you would have to pick one piece and compare it to literally every other piece again and again and... '''Charlotte: What about the school bus?! The kids?! Captain Man: Oh, yeah! You should go save them. Kid Danger: Save 'em good! Mr. Enter: 'At this point, I think that ''(A ''Teen Titans Go! poster is shown)'' the Teen Titans or (a poster for ''The Powerpuff Girls (2016) is shown)'' the Powerpuff Girls would have a better chance at actually saving the day. So, Henry and Captain Man go into the theater and basically ruin everyone's time and steal their popcorn. '''Man 1: Dudes, you're blocking Spooderman ! Mr. Enter: 'Don't worry, dude. You're-you're not missing much. It's just one character infinitely going through the same cycle of animation. So, on the school bus, the hijacker decides to stop and get some snacks because "the more stupid, the funnier the show!" Also, nice touch reusing models, changing up their color palettes to make them look differently. Unfortunately, I can't give you any extra points because you forgot to change ''their color palettes. So, to stop this bus jacking, Charlotte decides to hijack the bus, even though she can't drive. I thought that she was supposed to be the smart one, or at least the ethical one. I mean, yeah, the other guy hijacked the bus, but to his credit, he actually knew how to fucking drive! Also, he offered the kids snacks. (Charlotte starts the bus engine and drives erratically through the gas station, dismantling both gas pumps. Cut to an aerial view, with the gas station exploding as the bus drives away) '''Man 2: It's okay! We're all safe! Mr. Enter: 'That takes me back to the late nineties. ''(Cut to a clip from ''Hey Arnold!) The show had a character named Eugene who would constantly get into pain, but every time, no matter how bad it looked, he would say, "I'm okay!" Glad to know that this comedy show isn't letting old jokes die! So, Captain Man pulls a laser beam out of his ass. And I should clarify that I mean he pulled it out of lazy writing and not literally his ass. I know that I shouldn't have to do that, but... ''(The popcorn comes to life) '''Captain Man: (offscreen) Oh my gosh! (A popcorn kernel bites Kid Danger's nose) Kid Danger: Aah, my nose! It's biting my nose! Mr. Enter: 'So, the popcorn duplicate turns evil. The first villain in the show is literally a piece of popcorn. Right... The depths of your creativity astound me. It ends up biting Henry Danger's nose. Captain Man is going to punch him in the face. I know this because it's the most obvious punchline possible. And something else I know: jokes aren't funny if the audience gets to the punchline before you do. And this joke is telegraphed five seconds in advance. The timing is just awful! All that's missing is the laugh track at the end, and it would be perfect! Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that the show doesn't have a laugh track, which is absolutely an improvement over other Schneider's Bakery shows. Congratulations, you've changed one small thing that people have been criticizing you for over a decade about! ''(Cut to a moldy cookie) ''Here's a cookie. It might be a little moldy, but that's because I expected to be giving this to you a decade ago. So, the duplication laser makes the duplicates come to life and turn evil. Hey, you remember that episode of ''The Powerpuff Girls, "Pet Feud"? Like, two decades ago? (Cut to clips from said episode) ''In that episode, the superheroes were given something that could destroy the town, but they were given explicit warnings before things went to hell. And they were literal children, so falling into temptation was understandable, it made their characters feel more realistic. It wasn't like the writers thought that stupidity was a blank check to have literally anything happen. Seriously, this is getting to be a major, ''major pet peeve of mine. A stupid character is not a blank check to make them do literally anything! That just means that they have no character, that they're just a fucking plot device! What else am I supposed to say? This modern comedy shit i-is just so stupid! On top of that, it's not funny. I don't think it can be funny. You can't break expectations--which is key to comedy--when the audience has no expectations. So, the popcorn jumps into the butter. '''Kid Danger: It jumped in the butter! Captain Man: What's it doing? (The evil popcorn kernel proceeds to drink all of the butter in the vat) Kid Danger: (offscreen) It's drinking all the butter! Mr. Enter: 'Okay, these two lines really, ''really annoy me. First of all, the actual prose is just awkward and stupid. Two, very short sentences where the subject is the same word sounds unbelievably juvenile and stilted. If you handed this in for a fourth-grade paper, they would tell you to rewrite it. More importantly, thank you for narrating exactly what I can see! It's not like animation is a visual medium! If what's shown visually isn't enough to convey your message, put more than five dollars towards your animation budget, please! So, the popcorn drinks the butter and then explodes into a bunch of popcorn kernels. (The people in the theater run out in terror) Why-why are you running? Ah, yes. It's-it's raining free popcorn. It's the most terrifying thing since getting a free meal at a restaurant. It reminds me of the time I found twenty dollars on the side of the road. I-I didn't think I was getting out of the situation with my life. They-they don't know that it's a monster. As far as they're concerned, the popcorn machine just malfunctioned and it-it's raining tasty treats. (The popcorn monster crushes a boy and spills a soda onto his pants) '''Monster: Ha-ha! You're wet now! Mr. Enter: '''I-I should probably comment on this, but... '''Boy: I already was. Captain Man: Already? Kid Danger: Was? (The popcorn monster punches a hole in the wall, which it uses to leave the theater) Boy: And today's my birthday. Mr. Enter: 'Uhh... Nice ''All That shirt. That's a clever Easter egg, or it would be if the show wasn't alienating to anyone who would have remembered All That. Okay, here's another pet peeve of mine. I don't know if this one bothers anyone else, but it is really starting to annoy me because it's coming up more frequently. (Clips from ''The Incredibles 2 ''and ''Teen Titans Go! To the Movies ''are shown) ''Superhero shows, movies, or whatever that forget the purpose of a secret identity, even comedy ones. The point of having a secret identity is so that no one knows who you really are, which is why you can't change in a place like, I don't know, a crowded movie theater! If there is no reason to hide that you're a superhero, there is no reason to have a secret identity. I'd understand if they were going to make a joke about it, but no. It's just like they don't understand the basic construct of a superhero show. So, our two heroes step on the kid's crotch on the way out. I'm-I'm-I'm going to have to talk about this, aren't I? I-I really don't want to... ''(As a ''Back to the Future reference is shown)'' Back to the what? Ba-ba-ba-back to the what? Ba-ba-back to the Future what? Umm, I-I-I if you'll excuse me, I will be right back. (with a French accent) Four years later... (normally) Okay, well I have just spent a hundred thousand dollars and the last four years of my life getting my degree in ''Explaining '''What the Fuck is Wrong with This Scene?!'' So, uh... let's get this started. This reference is so stupid and half-assed, it feels like I'm watching Family Guy for kids! In more ways than one! I scarcely know where to begin. It's not a funny reference, for starters; I don't know anyone who would laugh at this. It's more baffling than anything. If you don't know what Back to the Future is, this reference is just random nonsense. And if you do, like most people would, I'd assume, it just shows how badly they misunderstand Back to the Future. This joke literally fails on every single level! Let's run down bullet points: (over footage from ''Back to the Future) ''Back to the Future doesn't take place in a world where there are superheroes; the only spenk of the things in those movies is time travel. There-there's no superheroes, there's no magic gumballs. The reference would have been kind of clever if the show came out in 2015, but no, it came out in 2018, so you missed your mark on that one by about three years. Thirdly, in the future, the DeLorean had the ability to fly. Fourthly, Doc Brown abandoned the DeLorean at the end of the third movie for a time-traveling locomotive. Fourthly, they drove directly towards the monster for I don't know. Fifthly, they decided that they'd have a better chance at running than driving away in a time-traveling car. Sixthly, abandoning the car would have been the stupidest thing for Doc Brown to do, considering that would leave him stranded in the future. But most insultingly is actually the license plate. In the movies, the license plate reading "OutATime" is one of the most iconic scenes of Back to the Future. Here, it reads "DanWarp", because I guess Dan wanted to stamp his horrible misunderstanding of the movie on this show. I-i-it's great that you like movies, or whatever, but references need to make sense in the context which you have them. And you know what? I take back what I said about this being Family Guy for kids. Usually, when Family Guy references something, it's clear to me that they at least understand what they're referencing. This reference here tells me that you know what Back to the Future is, but it makes me think that you really didn't see the movie and just wanted to reference it because I have no fucking clue. So, after that tangent, uh, where did we leave off? Oh yeah, the popcorn monster keeps hitting Captain Man's crotch against the fence. Again and again and again and... You know what's strange? The only superhero movie that this reminds me of is, well... Superhero Movie. (over clips from said movie) You know, one of those Movie movies that just throws random references and crotch shots together to make a quick buck as cheaply as possible? I have no idea why, though. Kid Danger: Take this! (pushes a button on a remote, which shoots a beam at the popcorn monster, only for nothing to happen to him) Oh. Uhh... (zaps the monster three more times) I don't understand why you're not falling down. (zaps again) Mr. Enter: 'Hey, uh... Henry Danger. You know that there are some newcomers in the audience, right, who haven't seen your original show? After all, you yourself said that this was your first episode, so it would be nice if we could see what your remote was ''supposed to do before you showed us a scene where it didn't work. '''Kid Danger: I don't understand why you're not falling down. Mr. Enter: 'I don't either. I assumed that a remote would, I don't know, make him freeze in place, rewind him, change his dialogue to Spanish? Something that would do what a remote is supposed to do.That's what I, a first-time viewer, would imagine that the remote is supposed to do. ''Good Burger 2 coming soon. Oh-oh goodie. That makes me so excited. (cut to Captain Man screaming and flying through the air) '''Captain Man: I can't believe this is still going on! (resumes screaming) Mr. Enter: 'Same here, dude. It feels like I've been watching this episode for an hour, and we're only at the eight-minute mark. Another crotch shot! What was your superpower again? ''(Cow moos) '''Captain Man: You never loved me. (Cow moos) Mr. Enter: 'I-is this joke? I-I-I don't know. I-I-I don't know if this is supposed to be joke. Wh-what's the setup? What's the punchline? Wha-what am I supposed to find humorous here? Like, what-what's the backstory here? I-I don't understand what the hell the punchline is or anything else about the joke. We-we need to start wrapping-- I-I-I, um... My brain is breaking again. The popcorn monster gets a sword from Bed, Swords, & Beyond. You know the comedy in this episode is bad when an Adam Sandler movie was able to make a Bed, Bath, & Beyond joke funnier. So, now that the popcorn monster has a sword, we would have an interesting fight scene, you know if this show had a budget. "Don't we need to put some money into the animation? I hear it's very expensive!" ''(Caption: Imagine ''Ed, Edd, 'n Eddy sound effects in this fight scene) "Nah, superhero cartoons have had very limited animation for the better part of a decade now! It's not like fight sequences are some of the most expensive things to animate! It's fine if you go into this like it's a ''Scooby-Doo episode!" '''Kid Danger: (on cell phone) Hello? (Charlotte appears on the right side of a split screen) Charlotte: I GOT THE BUS!!! Kid Danger: The bus? What bus? Charlotte: The one that got bus-jacked! Mr. Enter: 'All right, you know you don't need to know how to drive to hit the fucking brake, right? In fact, don't most buses have an easy-to-identify emergency brake? Hell--fuck, you don't even need to know how to drive to take your damn foot off the gas! You ''are supposed to be the smart one, right? I mean, good God! It's not that hard! Arnold had trouble stopping a bus, but that's because the driver was knocked out and his foot was stuck on the gas pedal! It really ramped up the tension and it didn't make me think that the smart character of the show was really drop-dead stupid! (Cut to a clip from ''Hey Arnold!) Yes, I'm referencing a lot of other shows in this review, but those are the shows that I'd rather be watching! And you know what? We're fucking done here! Nothing else happens to the rest of the episode! The bus hits the popcorn monster, the popcorn leaves because I-I guess a piece of popcorn is going to be the main villain in this show. Whatever! Wh-why does this exist? Please explain that to me. I-I cannot--I do not have the capacity to understand who thought that this would be a good idea? Why this show exists in any capacity. In every other show that I've ever reviewed, there was at least some idea of an audience that the people behind the show wanted to reach. ''(Cut to ''Ren & Stimpy: Adult Party Cartoon footage) Even something like Adult Party Cartoon; there-there was something that the people wanted to do. They could see dollar signs or something. This is just the bottom of the barrel in creativity. Let me put it this way: It's regurgitation of regurgitation of regurgitation! It's the spit-up of ''Henry Danger, which is the spit-up of iCarly! I-I didn't think that Henry Danger ''was well-liked, but according to Wikipedia, it got four seasons. ''(Police sirens are heard as the caption "I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING POLICE!" appears) ''But honestly, that just makes the show's existence more baffling because you see, it came out when ''Henry Danger was still airing episodes. I understand packaging a show and changing it up years later, but when the original property is still going? That-that makes no sense! Actually, that makes the opposite of sense! The best that you can hope for in a situation like that is franchise fatigue. Adventures of Kid Danger is definitely one of the worst shows that I have ever seen on creative merits, at least. It doesn't have characters that are likable or interesting, the animation legitimately does feel like it was made in a drag-and-drop program, the writing is stupid and borderline disgusting, and this episode isn't the worst of it. Like, I watched through many of the different episodes to pick the perfect one to review. One episode is called "Texas Weiners", in which their idea of humor is just saying "weiners" as much as possible. For the whole fucking episode. And speaking of which, the humor. There are shows that are unfunny, and then there are shows that are offensively not funny with how bad they get the timing and with how much each punchline is telegraphed, with how every joke is beaten to the ground, with how every second makes you groan. There's nothing salvagable here! If-if ya want to see Henry Danger, just watch Henry fucking Danger! Don't watch its spit-up! If you want to see an animated comedy superhero show, you're better off watching Teen Titans Go! Any day, any episode. (Cut to a clip from ''Big Bang Theory, in which Sheldon throws a stack of papers in disgust. This is accompanied by the caption, "The Cartoon Community's reaction") '' Yeah, I said it, and I'm sticking to it! Fuck this show! ''Thanks for Watching!' Category:Animated Atrocities Category:Transcripts Category:Season 6